Friday I was scheduled for a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis. My urologist was looking for stones. This scan has been rescheduled three times due to problems with the machine, so finally after 3 weeks, I am getting this thing done.
I was asked to arrive an hour before my 8:00 am appointment time. Fasting. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. So, when I got there, I was given berry flavored barium to drink. What a yummy breakfast... After half an hour, they confirmed I had consumed all of the liquid yumminess. The next battle was confirming that I was not pregnant. I had to sign 14 pages swearing to not being pregnant and then I was told that they couldn't do a pregnancy test on me because I was still breastfeeding. It might come out positive!?! What? I have never heard that before, but whatever, me and my not pregnant self needed to get a CT, so get ON with it...
Strip down to underwear. Put on really special gown that opens in the back. And then, walk down the hall. I need to mention that this office is where everyone goes for radiation treatment for prostate cancer. Yet again, I was the only female patient anywhere to be seen under the age of 40. Make that 35. (I am still under 35) So I get to prance down the hall with my panties hanging out the back right in front of the dirty old men that can't... well never mind.
The procedure is supposed to be painless. Enter the IV. Why don't the techs ever listen to the patient? They can never get an IV in my right arm. But everyone I tell this to must think it is a challenge, to be the first to conquer the right arm. Let's just leave it with I left Friday with holes in both arms and they were both bruised. Score: right arm 1, ct tech 0. Witch. I told you so.
After the scan is finished, they have you get dressed, but leave in the IV and wait in the waiting room. So, off I go - prance in front of old men, cover butt with clothes, go out to waiting room, all while keeping both arms extended. I wait 5 minutes, then they call me back to take out IV. (I am sure this super efficient process is so that some radiologist somewhere looks at the scan to make sure that it is good enough.) Only, when they called me, I was sitting in a chair that I had sunk into and couldn't get up. My arms hurt and couldn't quite grab on to the armrests. A nice lady, probably wife to one of the old men, offered to help me out of the chair. I must have really looked bad to have a 70 year old offer to help ME...
The IV came out and they handed me a CD. "Give this to your Doctor." It was labeled with my name and the date. I couldn't wait to get back to my computer and see what was on the disc.
I get back to the office, fire up my friend, Mr. Google, and start searching. I put the disk in the drive and it opens a mini-application and gives me a message..."Loading images X of 478". Sweet. I have 478 images of my guts to look at. Wow, they must really want to see my insides.
I start looking at the images. The first one looks like a regular X-ray. I see ribs, pelvis, and some shadows. I look at the outline. Great. Even in an X-ray, you can see fat rolls. How nice. The next one is a side view of me, which I can't see much of except a squished outline of my butt. I am certain it is a squished view because I know when I look in the mirror it is much more toned than that image portrays. And they say the camera adds 25 pounds...
The next images are slices of my insides, of which little is recognizable to my untrained and uneducated eye. I don't worry. Mr. Google knows everything and I am certain that I can find enough information on the web to formulate my own diagnosis.
Before I know it, an hour has passed. I can find my kidneys, spleen, liver, intestines and bladder. Maybe the stomach... not too sure of that one. But I do know for certain that I have 2 kidneys. Now, whether or not there are stones, that is for the professional to decide.
My diagnosis: The test confirmed it. I have kidneys. Having kidneys is a prerequisite to having a kidney infection, so that must be what it is. And I can't imagine what they billed my insurance company...
3 comments:
Barely under 35 right? :P
478 pictures?! DAMN! Guess the machine got fixed real good!
P.S. During my blood draw last week, the tech actually listened to me and used my right arm - they always want to do left. But I told her "don't use that bright blue vein I see you looking at. It's a bad one. It's thin and people usually can't do it. There's a good one (just look at all the needle marks) in the middle. You can't see it - it's deep, but it's really good."
She likes the blue one and proceeds to stick it anyway. She did do it on the first time and got blood, but I have a 6" yellow and purple bruise still today and tha was 6 days ago.
BITCH - that's another reason I need to remember not to use the blue one - BRUISES EASILY. UGH
Based on the intro in your story about all the men, I thought you would wrap up by saying you found someone else's set of, a-hem, "organs" on the CD they gave you!
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