Toilet Paper

Why is it that one of the most inexpensive items in your home is the cause of much angst... and jovial conversation?

Let me begin by talking about our cleaning lady. She is wonderful. I love her. She does a great job, always shows up when she is supposed to, picks up all of our "donations" (hand me downs, etc.) and takes a personal check if I forget to get her cash in advance. (She is legal, but probably evades the tax man. Hey - if i could, I would.) And I repeat. She is wonderful.

However, each week when she comes, there is always something that we can't find. I have always told the kids, don't leave it out and she won't have to put it up. Dishes are frequently in different places. Clothes may be put in the wrong closet. Stuff like that. Nothing big. You have to look at it like a game... security badge, security badge, if I were the cleaning lady, where would I put you?

This morning, I had gotten ready for work and packed all of Kenzie's bottles etc, for daycare. For the next 2 weeks, I am to take Kenzie to daycare in the morning, Chad will take Cutter, and then I will pick them both up in the evening. Chad is attending a training class held offsite, so we won't be carpooling. Chad had gotten up when I started packing the car. I wasn't paying much attention until I found him in the utility room poking around in the dark.

Me: "What are you doing?"

Chad: "Uh, looking for toilet paper."

Me: "Why?"

Chad: stupid look

Me: "There is plenty in the bathroom."

Chad: "No there's not."

Me: thinking in my head - well, if there weren't so many Cabela's catalogs...then I start laughing.

Me: "Did you look on the back of the toilet?"

Chad: "No, the spare rolls of TP should be in the basket. They were no where in the bathroom."

Me: "Did you look on the back of the toilet?" Laughing out loud this time

Chad: stupid look "Why would they be there?"

Me: Shrugged my shoulders. The Cleaning Lady moved them. Still laughing. I walked into the bathroom and showed him at least 2 mega rolls of toilet paper.

Chad: "Kiss my a**."

How is that men that STAND to pee facing the back of the toilet don't see what is there? Potpourri, room spray, and spare toilet paper. You would think, they, of anyone out there would notice. If it had been a snake it would have bitten him.

Bye, Bye, Birdie

For those of you who don't know, the hunting season has started. From here on out, my husband will seek out every opportunity to go kill some sort of bird, duck, or deer. Keep in mind, he continually searches for opportunities to fish, even if it is only in the ponds near our house. So, I guess, for many types of animals, my husband is their worst enemy.

Me, on the other hand, I could care less about these activities. Chad is a fisherman. I am a catcherman. What is a catcherman do you ask? A catcherman is someone who only wants catch the fish. The whole experience of fishing and casting over and over again is beyond me. The scenery can be nice, but, whatever. If I put my line in the water, a fish had best jump on it. Otherwise, I would rather just read a book.

As far as hunting goes, I am not a hunter, I am a killer. If I drive 6 hours to freeze my a*^ off in a deer blind, there better be some meat in it at the end of the morning because, no, I am not going again in the afternoon. I will be sitting in front of the TV watching the Hallmark Channel or Food Network thank you very much.

Bird or duck hunting is something I have NEVER even wanted to try. Why would I get up at 4 in the morning, put on plastic pants, trapse through a marsh in the rain to squat and hope some stupid birds fly over - that I have to be able to tell are the right species and shoot at while they fly 40 - 60 mph over head. Keep in mind that most days when I drive to work, I rarely get to drive faster than 40 mph. No. This is not a sport for me...

Until last night...

I needed to fill up my car with gas. On the way, there was a bird standing in the middle of the road. Normally, birds fly away when a car approaches, even if they just barely make it out of the way. I was driving, maybe 30 mph, (it was in a residential zone) the bird looked me in the eye, but I didn't waver. I drove straight over him.

There was a small thud on the front end of the car and as I passed over him, I saw feathers flying through the air from my rearview mirror. Hmmm. That was weird. Bye, bye, birdie.

I called Chad. He asked me what I hit. I told him I hit a bird. He thought I was going to tell him that I had hit something more serious... He asked me what kind of bird. A gray one. My biggest hope was that it wasn't stuck in the grill when I got to the gas station. Removing a bird carcass was not on my agenda for the evening.

Good news. Only a few feathers remained. I easily removed them, deposited them in garbage and sanitized with a wet one.

Another successful hunt.

The First Swear Word...

Last week I was picking up the kids from daycare. The first time to pick both of them up by myself. You wouldn't think that this would be two (too) difficult. And its not. But it does take some organization and balance.

Picture this: postpartum mom, baby carrier, diaper bag, bottle bag, and a really quick on his feet 19 month old. Peak traffic time. No parking places. This was my afternoon.

I got to daycare and of course, no parking. I circled the parking lot until a spot opened up. The last row, farthest from the door. Oh well. Go in. Get Kenzie folded into her carseat. Then I go get Cutter. He is like a pinball bouncing from rubber band to rubber band. We toddle out to the car. One hand is trying to keep track of Cutter, the other is holding Kenzie in the carseat carrier with the diaper bag and the bottle bag on the shoulder. If they have security cameras, someone had to be laughing their butt off.

We get to the Mercedes minivan and, of course, some jerk had parked kind of close. Mercedes minivan has BIG doors. I set Kenzie down on the ground and try to corral Cutter before he runs into traffic. I squeeze through the opening and set him in his carseat. At that point, the bags on my shoulder hit the ground.

Keep in mind I have all glass bottles... me and my green republican self. The bottle bag had a slight opening in the zipper, and one proceeded to roll underneath the car.

"Shit." I mutter.
Just in time for Cutter to proudly repeat.
"Sit... Sit."

I ran around to the other side to snap Kenzie's seat into the base. Then I run back to the driver's side, squeeze in between the two cars so that I can get in. I hear Cutter...

"Sit...haha... Mommy SIT!"

So I said what any other mom would say,
"Look Cutter... Mommy is sitting! See... SIT."

He meant it to be a swear word... but he's only 19 months old. It can be just a regular word, right?

More Ducks and other Randomness

Good news. The duck signs haven't been posted. Apparently, there must be 2 signs for them to be effective. Phone call that I over heard last night.

Husband's cell phone.
"Hello." looks annoyed.
"No, I did not."
"No. Not tonight."
"Uh-huh. Maybe tomorrow."
Hang up. And laugh out loud.

"What was that about?" I asked.
"KK and the duck signs. Last night I helped her with one sign, but the battery on my saw died, I was tired and annoyed, so I told her that another sign would have to wait."

Apparently, KK has decided that Chad will build her signs for her. Chad thought that building one was amusing, but building two is annoying. She should just buy the signs... The homeowners association will pick them up anyway. The sign hasn't been posted, but, I am certain that KK will call again tonight and if Chad feels like it, he will complete the other sign.

Randomness.

This morning as we were both getting ready for work, the TV was on. I wasn't paying attention, but Chad, who can't hear me talk if the TV is on, heard (over his electric shaver running, the faucet on, and me talking to the baby) the news that Senator Ted Kennedy had passed. He jumped and said, "Did you hear that?" Uh... No. What? "Did they just say Ted Kennedy died?"

He hit rewind on the remote control to confirm it. Hmmm. What did we ever do before having a DVR?

As I drove to work this morning playing the game I play every morning... (Which car makes it to 610 first) I was listening to the radio. Then, during a strategic move to stay ahead of one Toyota Camry, I realized I missed the first part of a somewhat interesting story. I quickly went for the rewind button.

Crap. There is no rewind on live radio... But can you imagine? Being able to talk on your cell phone, rewind live radio, and play a traffic game against other people that don't even know they are playing? How fun would that be?

Ducks

Very recently, I posted about our next door neighbors. Well, last night, the phone rang, and a story too funny not to tell began.

In the subdivision where we live, there was a grouping of ducks, maybe 10 or so, that lived in the water retention pond near our house. The ducks are well known to the kids. They are fed by probably every kid under the age of 5 in the whole subdivision. The ducks are certainly not hungry.

In the spring, our neighbors (the ones from the cultural event of the year) began collecting what appeared to be duck eggs. They looked it up on the internet and constructed an incubator for duck eggs and proceeded to hatch and release back to the "wild" 20 more ducks. They feel a great deal of "ownership" with respect to the ducks. They buy duck feed (I guess from a feedstore) and feed them nutritious food perfectly formulated for a ducks diet. (I guess the whole wheat stale bread and popcorn that everyone else feeds them isn't good enough. PS - Ducks don't like pancakes and I know this because, well, you get the picture)

The weekend of the cultural event of the year, yes, I am sad to report, one duck didn't make it. The duck lost his battle with an automobile. People tend to drive a little fast. Apparently the smart duck food didn't work for this duck.

Last night Chad was putting Cutter to bed and his cell phone rang. I hopped up to see who it was, thinking it was one of his brothers or someone like that. It was KK, our neighbor. I thought about not answering, but I know her and if she wants something from Chad, she will keep on until she gets it - calling our home number, my cell phone, etc. until someone, anyone answers. So I answered it.

"Hello?"
"Chad?"
"No, this is Melody."
"I need Chad."
"He is putting Cutter to bed right now."
"Well, I need him as soon as possible."
"Is there something wrong?"
"Yes."
"Ummm... Can I help?"
"I have to have wood and I know you have wood in your garage."
Okay lady. Just go take what you want.
"Well, Chad is busy right now. I will have him call you when he is finished."
"So can I have the wood?"
"I don't know. He has been working on the deer blind and has been using the wood we have in the garage. I don't know what he has left."
"Well its still in the garage. I can see it."
"Okay. Well, I'll have Chad call you. Why do you need wood?" I don't know if she'll tell me, but what they heck, she is already digging in our garage...
"We have to make signs."
"Signs? What signs do we need out here?" I am intrigued.
"Duck Crossing. Did you know that last weekend there were 2 ducks killed?"
"No. I didn't know that." I only knew about the one...
"I will have Chad call you."

After relaying my conversation to Chad. He laughs. This ought to be a good one.

Apparently KK, after the wedding, found both ducks and buried them in her back yard. She is very upset about these duck MURDERS. Something must be done about it... Chad explained that real signs could be purchased off the internet, if that was what she wanted. Her reply...

"Since the wedding, we don't have any cash."

Will post a picture of the signs as soon as they are completed!

Work - A butt busting good day

Went back to work last Friday. :-( But, it was an easy day. My mother-in-law babysat, so Kenzie wasn't at daycare. We had a staff meeting in the morning (breakfast provided. thanks for the bagels, maria!) Went out to lunch. :-) Then birthday cake in the afternoon. I wish every day could be like this! But, it's not. :-(

Monday was the real deal. Daycare, work, no meetings, I brought my lunch. Mondays stink.

And Mondays really stink when, let's say, you walk to the printer to pick-up some documents that need to be reviewed. Casually, you walk back toward your office. About 6 feet or so from your door, your ankle rolls and BAM, you have fallen on your a*&. Quickly you hop up and pretend that nothing happens. No one was in the hall. Maybe no one noticed. But, you fail to realize that when you fell on your toucas, the ceiling tiles on the floor below you fell off and there was a very loud noise that prompted several of your co-workers including the worldwide VP whose office is two doors down, to run to your aid because it sounded like a file cabinet fell down.

Nope. No file cabinet. Just me.

I am not hurt. My ankle is fine. I feel stupid because I apparently don't remember how to walk when you wear real shoes, not flip flops. Hmmm. Flip flops. Maybe I should wear those tomorrow.

Other than that, work is work. Kenzie survived daycare and so did I. I miss her, but I have some great new pictures. Here is how she smiles!

The Cultural Event of the Year

On Saturday, Chad and I were to attend the wedding reception of our next door neighbors' son. They are Vietnamese that immigrated to the US in 1990. As such, some aspects of their integration into American ways is lacking. The wedding ceremony was to be traditional Vietnamese held in the home of the grooms' parents. Right Next Door. Guests are not invited to the ceremony, only the reception. The reception was to be held at a Vietnamese restaurant banquet room where a traditional Vietnamese Dinner (10 complete courses) would be served.

Oh goody. I can't wait. I can't stand these neighbors.

The husband is a doctor. He has two jobs and rarely has a day off. He is quiet and is likeable. He likes to garden, so he says, but I question this. There is always quite a variety of things growing out of pots but it doesn't ever look quite right to me. He also takes LOTS of photographs.

The wife WAS a doctor in Vietnam, but did not recredential in the US. She got a masters in hospital administration instead and now doesn't work, but takes care of various family members and watches our garage door to make sure we keep it down... Funny enough, she was a psychiatrist.

Oldest son is an attorney that isn't working and still lives at home. He is 34. Youngest son is in medical school and is the most American of the bunch. Youngest son is the groom. We don't know youngest son very well.

The wife asked us no less than 37 times if we would be going to the reception. I claimed that we had a family reunion that weekend and would be out of town. The wife then told Chad that she would be singing and she would love for him to see her sing. She is famous for singing at weddings, dontcha know. Chad says, well then of course we will be there. Imagine the dirtiest look one can give your husband. That is how my face looked when he verbally accepted the invitation. Crap. Now I have to get a gift and everything. What a pain.

Later, in the privacy of our bedroom I asked him why on God's green earth did he tell her we would go? He laughed and said that this would be a night we would never forget and we would be able to laugh about it for years. She was going to SING! How funny would that be. He better be right.

**A couple of side stories about these neighbors...

The wife asked another one of our neighbors one day if she could store some carpet they had had removed in their garage. (Yes, they removed 5 year old carpet from their house and asked someone else to store it for them in the garage.)
The neighbor said "No."
The wife said, "It doesn't take up much room."
The neighbor said, "Then store it in your garage."
The wife said, "Well, let me know when I can bring it over."
The door was shut in her face.

Another neighbor had been known to loan her a (car) battery charger.
The wife asks, "Do you use the charger often?"
The neighbor said,"Not really."
The wife then says, "Well, I'll just keep it then. Let me know if you need to use it."

This is the type of neighbor she is. I really didn't want to waste an entire Saturday evening on this event! I lost. I bought a gift. (A waffle maker) And off we went.

We arrived on time (6PM) and were, like, the only ones there. Seriously, there were maybe 20 people in the whole place with tables for 600 people. Great. But, they had beer and fruit. This was the first course. Finally at about 7:30, they start the introductions. Almost everything was in Vietnamese with occasional English blurbs thrown in. Then, the singing begins. Our neighbor starts to sing... in French. She sings 3 songs in French. And they were quite good. We were laughing because it was actually really good. The next course started at about 7:45 and continued for the next 2 hours. Following is my description of each of the courses. Don't know the names because I couldn't read the menu. Here goes:

Shrimp and pork salad with interesting dressing.
Seafood and tofu soup
Shrimp ball with piece of sugarcane sticking out of the side
Shrimp pounded flat with crab meat and a sauce that tasted like pumpkin pie on top
Duck wrapped in puff pastry and deep fried
BBQ lobster with nothing to crack it with except your knife, fork, or chop sticks
Beef tenderloin rolled up with a peppercorn sauce
Fried Rice

All of the food was good. I would go back to this restaurant and eat. I may not be able to order it because I don't think my descriptions translate well, but it was good.

But what about the wedding cake? There was a cake at the center of the stage. Surely we were going to eat that? People started to leave. Hmmm. Chad asked me if I wanted to leave. No. I want cake. Besides, we have been pleasantly enjoying this experience until this point.

Wiating.... Waiting... An hour goes by. Finally, the cake is cut. Waiting... Waiting. Where is the waiter to bring our cake? I just knew it was going to be good. It was pretty. I am sure it was expensive. I love wedding cake.

At 10:40 we were served wedding cake. Chad got a green piece I got a chocolate piece. We each took a bite. We busted out laughing. Dang it. It tasted like a sponge. It was terrible. I waited an hour for a frosted sponge. It was time to leave. Maybe we will drive thru Sonic on the way home. I needed something sweet!

The next morning we see everyone coming and going next door. The funniest thing was watching the husband "un" decorate the town car that the bride and groom drove around in. They had taken 2" pink satin ribbon and pink silk roses and attached them to the car in strips. And you thought shoe polish and condoms were bad. I snuck (i don't think that's a word) a picture from inside the car....


And this is my life... :-)